Reaching Your Child's Heart: Part 3

I started writing this series "Reaching Your Child's Heart" for two reasons. One, of course, is to help parents feel confident that reaching a child's heart doesn't have to be complicated or difficult.

The second, if I'm honest, is because I've heard and seen so many Christian resources that encourage parents to correct bad behavior by identifying the sin behind the behavior and getting a child to repent.

This sounds really good and biblical; what could be better than training kids early on about the fact that everyone sins, that sin should be repented of, and that Jesus forgives our sin? What a great opportunity to fill a child's mind with a basic understanding of Jesus's work on our behalf, and to help them learn to root their behavior in God's word, right?!

Well, yes! We absolutely need to talk to our kids about our sin and Jesus's forgiveness! The problem is that we are so likely to get it wrong.

First, remember: there is such a thing as childish behavior, behavior that occurs simply because the child is a child. Let's face it, children misbehave for SO many reasons that have nothing to do with sin: they don't feel good, they're scared, they aren't sure of a parent's expectations, the parent never told them what was expected of them or how to behave, and so on. This doesn't mean we ignore sin, it just means we recognize reality. We can't expect a 3-year-old to behave like an 8-year-old, or an 8-year-old like a teen.

But there's another reason we should avoid correcting underlying sin or assuming we know a child's motives: we really can't know exactly why a child or anyone else behaves as they do; only God can see the heart. Sure, sometimes we have insight into this, but for the most part, we should focus on external behavior, NOT motives.

We have to trust that as we address outward behavior, God works on the heart.

There's nothing more frustrating or disheartening than having someone assume you did something from bad or sinful motives. As an adult, if this happens we sometimes have an opportunity to clarify, to see it from the perspective of the person making the assumption, explain our reasons, and clear up the offense or misunderstanding.

A child can't push back or explain such things the way an adult can, for two reasons: 1) he, himself, often doesn't know why behaved as he did, and 2) if he can think quickly enough to try to explain, too often we cut him off for arguing--because we assume we know!

But consider this: If we focus on actual, physical misbehavior rather than underlying motive or sin, there isn't much to argue with (which doesn't mean your child won't argue!)

Teach and train your kids how you want them to behave and why; correct misbehavior in a matter-of-fact way. Correction doesn't feel good, but it makes us think, which can lead to heart change as well as a change of behavior!

Along with the discomfort of training and correction, there's something else parents should do so that a child's heart can really receive the lessons that will bring him to maturity.

In Matt. 13, Mark 4, and Luke 8 Jesus tells the parable of the sower, a guy who scatters seeds in lots of different places hoping for growth. The only seeds that grow are the ones that land in soft soil. That tells me that we need to prepare the soil of our children's hearts so that they can receive the good seeds planted by God and others.

Little hearts are made soft by affection, which we lavish on them with lots of eye contact, hugs, reading, explaining, listening, and not too much rushing. All of life offers opportunities, special and mundane, to demonstrate love, patience, and kindness.

Let me be clear: training and correcting are just as much a part of loving your child as hugging is! It's not either love or correction, it's ALL of the above as demonstrations of love! In fact, I'd say that correction is like pulling weeds or pruning the plant so that it's healthier and stronger!

It's all about establishing a loving and trusting relationship, which includes setting and keeping the boundaries and rules that give our kids security and confidence.

Even though we're human and we don't always do it right, if we show our kids the right path, guide them along it, and correct them when they wander from it, the love and security that we've built will help them to continue to hear and follow the God who loves them even more than we do.

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