Stop the Bickering! Here's How

Is there anything more exhausting than kids' constantly bickering? "He started it!" "No I didn't! It was her!" You want to be fair, you don't want to be mean, but how do you get it to STOP?

It's normal, human nature; nobody agrees with us all the time, and sometimes we feel like pointing fingers and bickering. Hopefully, as adults, we know how to let things go or talk them through, and eventually, our kids will, too.

However, the middle of a fight isn't the time for a lesson in conflict resolution.

You have to get a handle on this habit of immediately resorting to finger-pointing, tattling and bickering when things don't go the way your kids want.

First of all, DO NOT intervene, try to referee, or make things "fair"; every time you try to figure out who did what, who's to blame, and make things fair, you validate the conflict, when nine times out of ten, it's over some slight offense or resentment. I can't emphasize this enough!!!

Also, DO NOT ask, "Who started it?"; you aren't going to get the truth, at least, not the whole truth. Many things led up to the situation, and each person involved probably has done something they shouldn't; they'll each be very glad to tell you what the other(s) have done (often with a great deal of drama and a fair amount of exaggeration), but if confronted with their own role, kids will offer the minimized version.

HERE'S WHAT TO DO:

1. Blow the whistle, call time out. If you have an actual whistle, use it, but STOP the madness immediately. You might say, "You're under arrest for disturbing the peace!"

2. Send everyone to their room. Just stop the actual fight and separate the participants. Feel free to leave them in their rooms for a good long while--you need the break, and they can use the time to think about the situation.

3. Give them each the following assignment:

   1. Calm yourself down.

   2. Think about YOUR part in this.

   3. Decide how you will apologize.

      
      

   Only allow them to come out of their rooms once they're ready to apologize; if they start accusing or self-defense, it's immediately back to their rooms.

   
   

   In my experience, a little time apart can do wonders. They might even fall asleep once they're in their rooms for awhile.

   
   

   Unless there was a really big offense, for example, someone intentionally hurt someone else and it's obvious it was done without provocation, let this period of separation/isolation serve as a consequence for all involved. You can add on loss of privilege if you've had to deal with bickering multiple times in the day, or your kids have been hurtful and ugly to each other.

   
   

   Punish everyone? Is that fair? Yes. You're never going to know all of the details unless you watched it unfold, and even then there will most likely be things that came before the fight that you aren't aware of.

   
   

   If by some chance one of the children had absolutely nothing to do with the conflict (unlikely), you can be sure there have been or will be another instance in which this child is guilty.

   
   

   Constant bickering must not be tolerated. The minute you hear it start, send everyone to their room and restore peace and quiet. Do this every single time, even if it happens multiple times in a day; don't let it escalate, don't put up with it, and don't hesitate to mete out consequences for all involved.

   
   

   NOTE: Simply saying "You know better than that!" or "You know we don't allow fighting in this house!" or "Now kids, we only use kind words in this house!" is NOT enough. If the only consequence is you saying some kind of bland correction, nothing will change!

   
   

   Let me reiterate--when there's a fight between siblings, immediately stop it and send them to their rooms. Do not spend one second of your time trying to figure out what happened. STOP doing this!

   
   

   Let your actions show your children that bickering will NOT be tolerated in your home.

   
   

   Questions? Concerns? Contact me at kwilsonok@gmail.com. I'm more than happy to answer your questions! Or click the button above to set up a short phone consult.

   
   

   Your home really can be a peaceful, happy place! But it won't happen if you don't correct your children and teach them how you expect them to behave! Take the time to teach, demonstrate, and effectively correct your children, for their sake as well as yours!