
In my last blog post I spoke of the importance and effectiveness of correction, including punishment, in reaching your child's heart. Our hearts, even at a young age, are naturally resistant to being told what to do, to admitting we are wrong, to taking responsibility for our actions and words; instead, we want what we want, it's just that simple. Words just aren't enough to shift us from our determination to be autonomous and unaccountable.
As I said in the post, it's the pain itself of correction (and punishment when appropriate), that opens the door to either a hardening or softening of the heart; what goes on in a child's own thinking while they're experiencing the penalty will determine which of these will happen.
What is the process of correction and penalty or punishment actually supposed to accomplish?
Better behavior is certainly part of what we're after, but it's just the beginning. Ultimately, we hope something like this will happen:
The child begins to understand that disregard for the rules brings separation and pain of some kind (whether it's the rules of your home, instructions from an authority, workplace procedures, the rules of a school, or civil laws).
The child begins to pay more attention to the expectations and requirements of whatever situation he may find himself in.
The child begins to wrestle with his natural tendency to resist authority and insist on his own way.
As he wrestles with this resistance, the child has several options:
he can resolve to do whatever it takes to keep from getting into trouble again, (meaning either behaving better, or just hiding his misbehavior)
he can harden his heart into anger at the person in charge, make a perfunctory change of behavior, and determine to make life difficult for that person
he can feel sorry for himself and be sullen and resentful, a victim
he can endure the penalty, then go on doing whatever he wants, on the chance that he won't get caught again or that the person in charge will tire of calling him out
he can do some combination of the above
OR: by the grace of God, he experiences true sorrow for what he's done.
It's right here where, if we're paying attention, we can help him express his remorse to the offended person and receive forgiveness; we should also make sure we help that offended person let go of the offense so that the relationship is restored.
Obviously, this is what we really want; it's a beautiful opportunity to help a child understand the gospel--the good news that even when we do mean and selfish things, God's love for us doesn't go away. We all need to know that we aren't expected to be perfect, and the earlier we learn this, the better. Understanding that we can't always do the right things is the beginning of learning to allow others to be human as well.
Will this happen every time you correct your child? No, but that's okay! Do you feel genuine remorse every time you're corrected? Do you examine your heart every time you sin? Most of the time we're lucky if we even recognize that we have sinned!
Reaching the heart, as I've said before, is something that only God can do. Our part is to help keep the soil of their hearts soft.
We do this through lots of acceptance and love, through calm and uncomplicated teaching and training, through consistent, loving correction, and through being careful to restore the relationship fully once the penalty has been paid, not reminding a child of the offense or holding a grudge.
Are there other things we can do to "keep the soil of their hearts soft"?
I'm glad you asked! I'll share some things I've found to be excellent for this in another blog post!
Until then, be patient with yourself and your children. Ask God for the help you need to lead and love your children well! Check out my website for lots of free resources, sign up for a phone chat by clicking the button at the top of the page, or check out my audio course which includes a workbook, lots of free resources AND free coaching calls. And I'm always available for one-on-one coaching.
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