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Emotional Intelligence: What it is, and How to Teach It

children playing lego together

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to manage one's own emotions and relate to the emotions of others in a healthy way. It includes several things: being aware of how you come across, being able to regulate your behavior, being able to establish and maintain positive relationships, and having the ability to motivate yourself.


In reality it's just a fancy way of saying "maturity," and helping our kids grow in these areas is basically our goal as parents.


Cultivating emotional intelligence is what good parents have been doing since the beginning of time, so don't let the term frighten you into thinking you have to start doing something new and different.


You may wonder, however, just exactly how this is done. My answer is, the way it's always been done! It's a natural and uncomplicated process of living ordinary life with our ordinary children; the difficult thing is that too many of us no longer live "ordinary" lives.


For example, it used to be ordinary for kids to understand that they had to be respectful of and pay attention to adults; they knew that if they did certain things, they would get corrected in some painful way, like getting spanked, sent to their room, sent to bed with no dinner, or grounded.


Obvious in this process is the learning of certain lessons of emotional intelligence/maturity which prepare children for success in school and in the workplace: -How to behave towards authority figures; -How to listen and follow instructions; -There are negative consequences for not following the rules.


None of this is ordinary anymore; we've been persuaded that kids need to be handled more carefully, that we should not upset them for fear of causing permanent psychological harm. Sadly, many parents ignore, shrug, or even laugh when their kids speak disrespectfully to them, and may encourage disrespect to those they disagree with, even if they're in authority.


It used to be ordinary for kids to have regular chores, which had to be completed before play or TV. Emotional intelligence/maturity lessons? Delayed gratification, responsibility, satisfaction of completed work.


Also ordinary was lots of free time, especially during the elementary years; during elementary school it used to be rare to be assigned homework, so after school you came home, did your chores, and went outside to play with the kids in the neighborhood.


Free play has been shown to offer some of the most natural opportunities for children to learn emotional intelligence, because it's in free play (without adults) that children learn to interact with others, deal with conflict, come to consensus regarding what they'll play, what the rules are, what the roles of each participant will be, and how refusal to cooperate will be handled. It develops leadership, teamwork, and creativity, with the side benefit of physical exercise.


Nowadays kids are assigned daily homework, often starting in kindergarten; after school they're hustled to various activities such as organized sports. Often during the drive to the activity, kids are playing with tablets or phones rather than conversing or resting, or even listening to audiobooks or good music (not adult music with lyrics that children should not be listening to.)


With several kids in organized sports, you get multiple nights and weekends where time for free play, chores, and family time, are eaten up.


When adults are in charge of activities, the aim is on skills, drills, and victory whereas, when kids are in charge, they're fully engaged in every aspect. The emotional intelligence/maturity that develops in organized sports, involving winning and losing gracefully, working as a team, and striving for excellence, are more geared to older kids; younger kids are better off without adult supervision.


With all of that in mind, please consider the following:


  1. Make sure the marriage is at the center of the family; the security and confidence that come from knowing your parents love each other, knowing that they are in charge and you don't have to be, is foundational to emotional intelligence/maturity.

  2. Establish predictable household routines and rhythms; your children need the security of knowing what to expect: getting up at the same time each day, eating at regular times, sitting down together at meals, and having a regular bedtime free children from anxiety, which makes it possible for them to think about how to behave, what their siblings like and dislike, and how to get along--emotional intelligence!

  3. Assign each child a regular routine of chores, teach them to pay attention to you, limit after school activities, and provide ample time for free play. This takes work; you may need some help with this--if you aren't sure how, check out these blog posts about chores,

    free play, (also here), helping kids learn resilience, tools for grown-up parenting, and the benefits of establishing order. On my website you can find lots more blog posts with valuable insights into parenting, lots of free resources, and some books I recommend.


You can also sign up for a free phone call to explore the possibility of private coaching, or sign up to my parenting course, which will help you lay the foundation for being the kind of mom that you really want to be--confident, loving, and focused.


It's never too late to start cultivating emotional intelligence in your kids. The maturity that should come as a natural part of growing up is sadly lacking in many adults today, even among many of our political leaders. Let's be an active part of solving this problem by giving our very own children the tools to become genuinely and fully mature, able to manage themselves well and engage in a life-giving way with those around them.






 
 
 

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