According to many statistical markers, boys are struggling. They're falling behind girls academically, fewer are going to college, many have no drive or vision for the future, suicide rates for boys and men are rising, and fewer are marrying, buying homes, and starting families. There's a broadly held consensus that there's a big problem here, and it needs to be addressed.
What's up? Can we help change things for our sons?
"School is a hostile environment for boys", says parenting expert Erica Komisar. Boys are not constitutionally capable of sitting still for long periods of time, and we shouldn't "disenfranchise" them by forcing them to do so.
Is this the root of the problem?
Well, if we look back just a generation or so, we find something quite different.
I recently watched a documentary of the Apollo 13 mission, and was struck by the men in the control room: really smart guys, but not geniuses. The schools these men attended were much more strict than those of today; everyone sat at desks, the work was more demanding, teachers were free to punish misbehavior, and principals often used corporal punishment.
Somehow, even after all that sitting, the men in that control room were fully functional; most carried a load of responsibility which very likely included a home, wife, and family. These men engineered a solution to the catastrophic failure of a spacecraft, in real time and under extreme pressure; with the lives of three men in their hands, they were able to focus, think quickly, and solve this massive problem, in spite of having been forced as boys to sit still in class.
Clearly, all that sitting didn't doom them to aimlessness or suicide.
I'm not saying there's no room for change in the way we educate boys, but even rigid classroom settings can't explain the decline we've seen in recent years. Maybe we can learn something from the guys in the NASA control room; how were things different for them growing up?
They watched less TV
They had hobbies: stamp collecting, building model cars or airplanes, learning to play a musical instrument, Boy Scouts, etc.
There were no video games, smartphones or computers
It's statistically likely that most came from intact families and attended church regularly
There were no organized sports until high school; boys organized their OWN games and other outdoor play.
Most kids were required to do chores on a regular basis
Kid had fewer toys; the less you have, the more you learn to be grateful for what you have.
Look, I'm not suggesting a return to the '50's; however, doesn't it seem obvious that boys might do better with fewer distractions, more responsibility, solid family life, regular religious practice, and more free play as opposed to organized sports?
Spending more money on education isn't the answer; there's only so much that schools can do. No, there is only one cohort that can truly turn things around; that cohort is parents of boys: it's us.
We have to let our boys run, dig, wrestle, throw things, build things, and tinker; limit the time they spend on video games and TV, and instead give them tools and send them outside. We have to resist the pressure to involve them in all the sports and extracurriculars. We have to focus less on personal fulfillment, and more on strengthening our marriages and families.
Let's help our sons grow into admirable men by cultivating in them the virtues of good men: Respect, responsibility, hard work, integrity, willingness to accept a challenge and do hard things. Let's teach them to be kind and thoughtful, and to use their strength to serve others.
It's up to us to help our sons not become statistics; only we can provide the leadership and tools they'll need to thrive as adult men, capable of earning a living and providing for a family. Don't cheat them out of this by protecting them from hard things.
If you need help bringing up boys, contact me; there are lots of free resources on my website. Sign up for my audio course, which includes coaching. You don't have to figure things out on your own!
#KayeWilsonParenting #boyscanthrive #teachboystosucceed #challengeyoursons #christianparenting #leadershipparenting #loveandleadership #expectmore #letboysplay #morefreeplay
What a great post! My thoughts have always been that perhaps it is phones and social media that are producing these effects in teenage boys, but I have never considered that organized sports could be part of the issue too. As I look back on my high-school experience, I recall feeling lost after football was over and wondering what to do next; I tried to join the military because I wanted someone to tell me what to do. It didn't work out (I have asthma), but I think my experience aligns just a little bit with what you are describing.
Thank you for the insightful post!