"I know I shouldn't, but if I don't buy them something they'll constantly beg at the store!"
"No Ipad at restaurants? Are you kidding? How else do I get them to be quiet?"
"Listen, video games are how my husband bonds with the kids! Besides, it's the only way I can get anything done!"
We've all been there, we're in the middle of a project and the kids get into a fight, or we're in public and they start to whine; we just do whatever works to keep the peace.
Welcome to "Whatever Works" parenting--figuring out and doing "whatever works!" Look, as much as we'd like to be consistently consistent and on top of things, we can't be; when life happens, don't beat yourself up over it.
Having said that . . . it's easy to let treats, TV, or tech become our go-to solution because it works! And what's so bad about it anyway?
The problem with "whatever works" parenting is that it forgets the long view. Think about it: all the little things in life add up to a lifetime of something. You have, at most, a few hours each day with your kids. Whether you know it or not, you're constantly influencing them, the way they see life, what they love and value, their attitudes about literally everything.
Before I go on, I need to say I understand the monumental size of your job; In the course of each day you have to care for the physical needs of yourself and your family, manage your home, tend to your marriage, and in many cases work at some sort of income-producing job. It's a LOT, and should never be minimized.
Not only that, but you carry a truly deep sense of responsibility; bringing up your kids is the most important thing you're doing. Look, even if you take advantage of whatever help might be available--daycare, nanny, grandma--the proverbial buck of your children's well-being stops with you.
So how can you stop resorting to "whatever works," constantly playing whack-a-mole with your kids? Isn't that just normal life for folks with kids?
Three things:
First, stop. Step off the merry-go-round, take a breath, and think about how you really want things to go. As I mentioned, we have a limited amount of time with our kids; we tend to think things will be different once things slow down, or get back to normal; too often that time never comes.
Get a vision for the future. What REALLY matters in life? What are the things you must teach your kids before they grow up? Does your daily schedule give you space for this? If not, change it.
Once you have a vision, commit to staying the course you've set. Nobody is perfect, nobody is always consistent, but if you regularly remind yourself where you want to end up, it's easier to make yourself be consistent.
Friends, I know from experience that this is not easy. Without a clear vision we live aimlessly, always in survival mode, using "whatever works" to keep our kids occupied so we can get through the day. It's not enough to survive! Our kids need more and better than this!
That's why I created the Parenting Goals Assessment . It's a tool that asks you questions so you can discern what you value most, your deepest hopes for your kids; then it helps you figure out what to change so that your normal daily life supports your goals.
I also have a 12-lesson audio course, which takes you step-by-step through the process of creating a family culture that supports your goals, while freeing you to have time to think!
The VIP version includes 12 live Zoom meetings, where you can connect with others in the course, get answers to your questions, and get free coaching from me!
Make the most of the time you have with your kids; don't settle for the simply pragmatic, doing "whatever works". Instead, become confident that you're giving your kids the best and most meaningful things in life!
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